The Seeds of Doubt
If there is something that is consistent this year it is the lack of time to invest in what is truly important to me. I think, it takes being here to see what exactly that is. I do believe I am here. Tapping into where I am, and where I want to go. Professionally, and as a person. This year is the first year since 2014 I have not hosted some type of Open Water Swim. This will change. I have one already on the docket for next year. I want to plan an 8 week swim class at UNM into an open water swim in June either at Lake Abiquiu or Lake Caballo depending on staffing, funding of the Federal Government, and most importantly, water quality safety!
Having pivoted this year we already had a dog sitter lined up for what would have been the Abiquiu Weekend. Off we went to ride the Leadville Trail 100 Mountain Bike Race Across the Sky route. The Stage Race July 25th-July 27th is my A race this year. It is something I had really been looking forward to. Going fast for days. In some of the most amazing terrain with the most beautiful vistas.
We arrived in Twin Lakes Thursday night. Picked our camping spot. It’s weird we camp in Twin Lakes being that we own property just a stone’s throw away. Regulations in Pan Ark and Lake County only allow camping on land, if there’s a building permit. Something that seems so far away for us.
I feel so fortunate to share in so many peoples’ journeys; to start and complete their hard stuff. Taking what seems impossible and making it a reality. I hope every day I make an impact in someone’s life. It is hard to see sometimes, from the inside, Perhaps it’s because I know every person is so capable; “Stronger than they think they are.“. Truly blessed in having our paths cross with this amazing woman I work with through Uphill Athlete. It’s hard to believe I am working with two different people from opposite sides of the United States both embarking on the Trek to Everest Base Camp this fall. One of the most important aspects to coaching altitude is knowing how the body is going to respond. I generally prescribe Leadville with a side of Mount Elbert. What an amazing beautiful day: 3 nights sleeping at 10k, two hikes, one to the top of the highest mountain in Colorado. We were able to have dinner and meet in person, which is always such a delight.
Our days of riding would be dictated by monsoon patterns. Riding bikes past 12,000 feet on Columbine has its risks, we opted to ride this section from Twin Lakes on Friday with a 0% chance of rain.
I began coming to Leadville in 2007 to race the 100 MTB. I have competed in almost every event minus the 10k, and the 100 mile run. Also excluding the Burro Race at Boom Town. I have even raced the Leadville Stage Race in the 2nd year. It was AMAZING! I have been really looking forward to this 3 day block of speed, bringing my fast game back. My training has been good. I have been going fast, doing multi-day excursions, and riding well. My total time was embarrassing. It’s true, I didn’t really understand what was going on, or how I felt. I seemed to be walking more of the climb, more than usual, and I was attributing that to the dryness and loose aspects of the road. There is nothing more amazing, to me, than riding my bike to 12,600 feet. Okay, the descent.
The weather was perfect. Low in the high 30’s and the high’s in the mid 70’s.
The following day we had thought we would ride from Leadville Junction up over Keevin’s, over to Hagerman, up Sugarloaf, and Down Powerline. With the goal being out and back.
Hagerman is not always the most fun, it is heavily trafficked. Once we make that turn up Sugarloaf it’s truly my Zen with the chunky forest road. I found myself having to self regulate my body temperature. Going slow, stopping in the shade. I was bringing this up to Tim, saying how I didn’t think I could race the course. That I was pathetic, slow, what was I ever thinking, making my goals at the Stage Race seem like some kind of pipe dream. If I am riding like this, how could I ever think I could ride this fast, and get a good result. Thinking my days of racing through the sulfur piles were over. A dirt devil of self doubt based on where I was in at the moment. We ended up making a loop on the road back to the Junction. I was talking about a deferral, I’m not going to race, to not show up on the start line. Is the sulfur allergy, and the sulfur piles of contamination finally saying enough is enough to this place that my heart belongs.
Perhaps bailing, making my trips to Leadville more community based. Why do I have to race it? What do I have to prove? What’s the purpose of pushing my body to these extreme discomforts? Should I just spend the next 1.5 months training for Xterra? Why am I so slow, and do I dare say fat.
Fortunately Tim is Tim. He listens and helps me process, and whatever my choices are he supports me.
We lost our girl Hulk(chicken) we found out when we arrived back at Leadville Junction. We lost our best friend Pepe just days before..
It was just one of those weeks. The perfect example of how stress compounds on the body to an adverse reaction. It feels good to be home, it was hard to not have Pepe’s out of control wiggle greet us. We miss him. He got to experience more life than his biting peoples’ faces off personality should have been granted. It doesn’t make it any easier. We know he isn’t in pain anymore, and he has been in a lot of pain for many years. What a loyal protector. I have been truly impacted. I wasn’t sure how much. Now at TV time, I have no one to cuddle with me on the floor. I miss his warmth, and tripping on him in the middle of the night. Okay maybe not that last part!!
We bought a thermometer at City Market. I was reading like 96 degrees, LOL. Upon returning home, I had a fever over 100. It doesn’t change how I feel, or what I felt, or experienced, when I was out there. It doesn’t change how my goal of doing the LT100 for my 20th anniversary may be dwindling in excitement, and how my focus to Xterra may be singing to my heart more. Knowing that in 2028 I want to celebrate 30 years of doing Triathlon by going to Sprint Nationals. Time will tell.
It doesn’t change how the Seeds of Doubt over took me and my abilities, how it impacted my feelings about what I am capable of. Seeds of Doubt can be a worm of destruction if we allow them to. What is important is to be present in the moment, making the best of the day, and overcoming the obstacles to quit. If I had been racing this weekend, I told Tim, I would have. I would have needed to stop at an aid station and call him for SAG. What I didn’t know at the time, is that ‘My Governor’ was taking good care of me. That ‘My Governor’ was pacing me in a way that I didn’t overheat, and cause catastrophic damage to my internal organs. We have to trust in the Universe, Regardless of the degree of openness we have to hear what it is telling us.
What will happen in the next 4 weeks? I am uncertain. What I do know is my fever has subsided, I will get strength in, and perhaps some kind of light cardio today. What I do know, is what makes my heart sing, and that I need more of that.
What I do know is that I had TWO TRULY AMAZING DAYS of RIDING, that I was too sick Sunday to ride, even though we had prepped to do so. And that finding the strength to ‘Dig Deep’, do hard things, and learn how to pull ourselves out of negative self talk. That is, The Practice.
Thank you for checking in,
And for being part of my experience.
-Coach Zoe